Offers & Bids - How To Be The Brave One In Your Relationship

For anyone who truly knows me, they'll confirm that dancing has been a profound love affair of mine—a journey filled with grace, rhythm, and yes, the occasional misstep.

Over the past few decades, I've not only danced my heart out but have also found myself inadvertently stepping on more than a fair share of toes along the way.

However, one thing that those who truly know me understand is that no number of missteps or foot fumbles could ever deter me opportunity to dance

In the intricate choreography of our romantic relationships, there's an often unnoticed but profoundly meaningful dance—a dance of offers and bids, of turning towards or away from one another. 

In relationships where one or both consider themselves neurodiverse, these offers and bids can be even more highly emotionally charged. 

There can be even more explosive emotional reactivity and even more retreating and blanking, depending on what spectrum you experience.

This dance, as described by the insightful Dr. John Gottman, mirrors the dance of life itself—a rhythm that defines our love stories. In this article, we will explore the art of making repairs in relationships, how these repairs breathe life into our connections, and why they are the very heartbeat of our partnerships.

Understanding the Dance: Offers and Bids

Imagine a couple, perhaps you and your partner, who, like all couples, have had their moments of discord. A heated argument, perhaps over something as trivial as politics, left both of you feeling like weary dancers. But later, as the day progressed, a subtle shift occurred. 

One of you took the initiative—brewing a fresh pot of tea, bringing it into the room where the other sat in contemplation. With a gentle smile, the tea was offered, and a moment of quiet connection was shared.

This is the dance of offers and bids—a simple but profound exchange of feelings, thoughts, or needs. It's a reflection of our efforts to bridge the distance, to say, "I'm here with you, in this dance."

Turning Towards vs. Turning Away: The Everyday Decision

In the dance of relationships, there are two primary responses to bids: turning towards and turning away.

Turning towards is akin to saying, "I'm still here with you in this dance," a reaffirmation of our commitment. It's the warm embrace of recognition. 

Conversely, turning away is a choice to sit out a dance, a polite decline to join your partner on the floor.

The Nuances of Repair

Every relationship has its moments when our steps falter—a misstep, a misunderstanding, or the unintentional hurt that occurs. 

This is where the art of repair comes into play. Repair is about recognizing our missteps and finding a way to return to the rhythm of the dance.

As Jon Gottman has emphasized, repair attempts are the safety net that catches us when we stumble. 

They can be as ordinary as a shared smile, a simple "I'm sorry," or a light-hearted joke. The key is to choose a repair that fits the rhythm of the moment.

The Impact of Repair on Relationships

The effectiveness of these repair attempts defines the very essence of our relationships.

When we consistently turn towards each other and make genuine repairs, trust deepens, and emotional intimacy blossoms. 

These everyday exchanges create a sanctuary where vulnerabilities are met with understanding and tenderness.

Conversely, when we turn away, dismissing each other's bids and neglecting repairs, emotional distance can widen, leaving a gap that needs to be bridged.

Navigating the Dance Together

Navigating this dance of offers, bids, and repairs isn't a grand performance; it's more like an intimate evening at home. It requires emotional awareness, active listening, and the willingness to make repairs when the dance encounters a hiccup.

Here are some practical steps for navigating this dance in your everyday life:

1. Stay Present: Be aware of your partner's bids and your own. Notice when they are trying to connect.

2. Engage Genuinely: When your partner makes a bid, choose to turn towards them. Show you're interested and actively listen.

3. Repair Sincerely: If there's a misstep or disconnect, be ready to make a heartfelt repair. It could be a sincere "I'm sorry" or a friendly gesture.

4. Talk Openly: Encourage honest conversations about your emotional needs and triggers. Sharing your vulnerabilities fosters deep understanding.

5. Cultivate Resilience: Understand that in the dance, missteps happen, but it's the repairs that matter most. Build emotional resilience to bounce back from these moments.

In conclusion, the dance of repair in relationships isn't a dramatic performance but rather the rhythm of our everyday lives. By turning towards each other, making genuine repairs, and choosing connection over disconnection in the mundane moments, we create a dance that deepens intimacy, strengthens trust, and nurtures enduring bonds.

As Dr. John Gottman aptly puts it, "Love is a dance of connection and disconnection." It's the small, everyday steps we take in this dance that lead us towards lasting connection and a partnership that is grounded, real, and deeply fulfilling.

Remember whoever you are dancing with, you never have to pull off the perfect tango, you just both must keep on doing your dance, developing your rhythm and technique and the easy ability to say sorry when your size nines have squashed the other's toes

Love 

Katie